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Friday, 9 September 2011

At A Lost for Words

How the hell is it fair that You put someone her age through all that pain?

I appreciate the fact that her prayers for You gave her hope the past few months.

But she's giving up, Goddammit (oh how ironic).

And now she's barely holding on...

The chemotherapy, the surgeries, the medications, the treatments... they were f*cking useless. If anything, they only made her condition worse.

She dedicated her life to raising her daughters, and loved my siblings and I unconditionally. She was the one who taught me to swim, the one who chauffeured me up and down from school, the one who sent me to music lessons, the one who would cook up a feast for us no matter rain or shine...

I can't imagine what she goes through every minute of the day. The pain hits her like a brick every few minutes, she's afraid to even sit up/lie down, and it's a miracle if she manages a few hours of undisturbed sleep. Nothing tastes good to her anymore, she gets weaker every time I see her, and now I'm afraid to call and ask how she is cause I'm not sure if I'll catch her at a bad time.

We thought she was improving, and now You drop a bombshell on us.

She has lost hope.

She's giving up.

And now she just wants to leave in peace.

I'm just begging You, as a grand daughter who does not want to see her grandmother suffer anymore, to get rid of the pain in her body that should never have plagued her in the first place.

Just so You know, I'm keeping the faith ONLY because that's the one thing I can do for her now. Don't make me lose it by brutally taking away the person that has cared and provided for me all my life.

2 comments:

Lina An said...

Hi Clare,

I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now. Honestly, as someone who believes in Him, I actually lost my faith a little, when no matter how much I sincerely prayed to Him for my grandma to get better, He took Her away anyway.

Look at it this way: Should you have any time that you can spare with her, whether on the phone, or get Aunt Nan to Skype so you can see her face to face to talk, do it. The best thing you'd be doing is to just be there for her, letting her know that the grand-daughter that she has doted on in so many years is now a successful young lady following the footsteps of her own daughters. Believe me, the pain will disappear for her at that moment.

Do this. You won't regret it.
*hugz*

Clarissa said...

Thanks Lina. I took your advice and rang her up. I'm also heading back to KL for a few days to visit her during my mid-semester break.

It's painful to watch. Even more so when I can't do anything to help, but if calling more often helps, I'll give it a shot.