I wish the day went a little better (smoother?) so I could tell you some things in person, but yeah... shitty things happen when you least expect them to.
Just so you know, I'm not angry with you. Hurt, yes. Angry? No. Like I said, getting angry with someone takes a lot of energy and you feel very very shitty for feeling that way. So, I'm not angry. But hurt and helpless cause I really don't know what to do/say to make you feel better.
I know pretty much everything went wrong for you today... But these things happen. There are days where you just can't seem to do ANYTHING right, or when all the bad stuff that normally doesn't happen, happens all in one day. Accidents happen, and it's not like you WANTed it to or anything. So please, stop blaming yourself.
Though of course, I didn't think what you said to me earlier was fair, but...
Okay, let's not go there.
That aside, I just had supper with Wynne, Boon Ping and Ray at the Indian "makan" place along Pasir Panjang road. Didn't eat much (cause err... no appetite?) but conversations were good. =) Made me feel a lot better. Thanks!
I'm going to watch happy and funny videos so that I can laugh and make myself feel better.
*note to self : even when you're 99.9999999% sure you can take something for granted, don't; because it bites you back in the arse later.
You have NO idea how relieved I am. No kidding. I was hyperventilating before it was finally my turn. They started late, so my ordeal was prolonged a further 20-30 minutes or so. O_O
But never mind. I didn't play THAT much worse than I normally do in my major lessons. Called Souptel to ask him how I did. His feedback was positive, so I hope I get an okay grade. =)
That aside, I had a very nice lunch with James at Spinelli's!
Thanks so much for accompanying me yea? Owe you BIG time! Hee~
*Note: okay, I can't guarantee your sanity if you read on because I'm not in the best state of mind right now. Don't say I didn't warn you!*
I dunno what I'm rambling about cause I'm dead tired. I guess after slogging so much, the after-effect's sinking in. Right now my mind's just - blank (like how Jun Su describes Chang Min's mind on "Come To Play").
OMG that just shows how deranged I am, using stuff I've seen on Korean variety shows (that a LOT of people - who read my blog anyways - don't watch) to...
Double "U"- Tee- Eff @*&$^#(*$??!!! I can't even finish a sentence.
You know what I need though?
And Imma gonna get A LOT OF IT tonight I-don't-care. And I'm not gonna LOOK at my instrument tomorrow until it's time for the run-through thing for a senior composer's senior recital, and for my group's MCM project rehearsal.
NO THANKS TO SOMEBODY WHO WROTE A BLEEDING DIFFICULT PART FOR THE VIOLIN!!!!
At least now, I can practice what I want to practice, and I can practice because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to.
Just when I thought there were no more surprises, I got another on my birthday afternoon, another one at night, and one yesterday. LOL.
Birthday afternoon - Wee Qin's card. I LOVE the stickers on the small envelope! SO CUTE!
Birthday night - Guan Yu, Wynne, Elson, Ray, Boon Ping, Jeremy and James surprised me with a birthday dinner and cake! James was being so sneaky about it. The original "plan" was just a small dinner with Boon Ping and James cause the rest of them were "busy". Wynne told me she had the cramps, Guan Yu said she was ill and needed to be home, and Ray had a concert to attend.
Anyways, as we were deciding on where to eat, James randomly suggested Sushi Tei (he's very random as it is, so I didn't suspect anything). Then as we were lining up, Boon Ping went in saying that he needed to visit the washroom. Next thing I knew, he came back out and was beckoning for us to enter. Confused, I asked what was going on, and Boon Ping was like: we special, cause I know the manager here.
I was thinking,' did he like, sleep with the manager or something?' LOL!
THEN I saw Wynne seated at one of the tables and my jaw dropped. O_O
Dinner was DEE-LI-CIOUS! Cake was mouth-watering. HUGE thank you to Wynne, who sat there for more than half an hour waiting for us AND for the cake; Guan Yu, who suggested the whole thing; Boon Ping, for err... "sleeping with the manager" =P; Ray, who ditched a concert for the dinner; Elson, for sending us back to PGP after dinner and providing "Hokkien" entertainment; Jeremy, for the chocolates; and James, for kidnapping me. =)
It was my first birthday away from home, but it was still very very memorable and enjoyable. *sighs* Nice to have such awesome friends. =D
Yesterday - Tarrant's "letter", which he got Guan Yu to print out. The whole thing was shaped in a quaver (eight note). Very creative! Thanks a bunch! By far one of the most unique forms of wishing me happy birthday. =)
My goodness, have I lived past 2 decades already? The last time I remember being excited about my birthday was when I was 9 going on 10. I looked forward to having 2 figures to my age instead of one. Remember when you were 10, and you wish you were a grown up cause they seem so cool?
Right now I wish I were back in diapers. O_O
Well okay, not that far, but at least put me back in high school where I could afford to worry less about my future.
Dang, I'll be in my twenties in less than 24 hours' time! (looks around desperately for a Time-Turner) *sniff sniff*
Time seems to have whizzed by these couple o' years. I don't feel like I've done much, but yet...
I've graduated from high school.
Joined the MPYO, and have played in many concerts since then.
Got my A-Levels.
Auditioned and got accepted into a conservatory.
-wait a second-
Did I actually DO all that?
Oh well, maybe in a year's time I'd think : it's just another birthday...
You know what sucks? That even next year, I KNOW my birthday's gonna be around the same time as juries. AGAIN! *frowns*
Which reminds me.
Sh*t I'll be older than you by "2 years" for the next 3 weeks!
It sucks even more when you're given the choice, but your conscience tells you to turn down something you really wanted to do.
Yeah... I'm not playing for the Raffles Hotel gig anymore.
Souptel just called 10 minutes ago and said that the "event" will take up the entire evening from 4-10pm. You know what the worst part is? He left the choice to me, whether I still wanted to play or not.
Seeing that I have my jury just 6 days after that, I (very) reluctantly said : I think it's better if I don't play for the event...
It's like waving a large cookie jar in front of your face, opening the lid so you can smell the freshly baked goodies, then just as you're about to reach inside and take a piece, the lid snaps shut and you don't get even a tiny crumb. All that's left for you is to imagine what it would have tasted like...
That's how I feel right now.
I mean, it's not like I'd die if I don't play for the thingy... But I would've liked to, you know? I've never actually played for a (good) paying gig before. On the other hand, I know I would regret giving up so much time to do something that's not as important as practicing for my jury.
I know I did the right thing, but why on earth do I feel so miserable?
*sigh* I'll get over it, I suppose. But for now...
There's nothing much I can say here that you don't know already, or can't tell you in person.
It hasn't been a roller-coaster ride, but we've had our ups and downs. You've had to put up with a lot of nonsense, and I am forever grateful that you voiced them out instead of keeping them to yourself.
How it happened could be explained as pure coincidence, or maybe fate (if you believe in that sorta thing). I think it was a whole series of accidents, plus a little bit of luck (and persistence on your part =P).
Looking back, I think I've changed a lot. And I wouldn't have noticed a lot of my flaws if you hadn't told me.
I no longer talk like the person listening to me is partially deaf, I don't procrastinate as much as I used to, I'm practicing a lot more than I did last semester, I get frustrated about petty things a lot less now, I've started to deal with issues more rationally (instead of just giving up), I'm learning to care less about things that don't matter, and care more about stuff that Do matter...
I couldn't have done all that (in such a short space of time, anyways) if you weren't there, telling/suggesting what I should get rid of/improve. Of course, I still have a lot to work on, but yeah. =)
Every time someone asks a girl what they want in their potential boyfriend, she comes up with a whole list of requirements - cute, smart, caring, musically inclined, protective, romantic, humorous, and a host of other things. Well, since I was in the middle of it before I knew it began, it just simply because you're (god-forsaken-ly) honest, hardworking and (occasionally) stomach-wrenchingly funny.
And of course, because you don't smoke. =D
Thanks for making these 4 months (actually, it's more than just 4 months XP) a lot more fulfilling and interesting for me. I don't ask for much, just being there is good enough for me.
Well, not guilty per se... I AM merely taking a break from driving myself insane - and deaf - so I figured a little Facebook-ing and Blogging won't do any harm.
Yes, I was practicing.
Was an invalid for half a day yesterday, thanks to awful timing of the women's-monthly-nigthmare. Thankfully, it wasn't one of those excruciatingly painful ones or I'd be cursing and swearing the whole day. O_O
Ray: Can I "like" your mom's status?
Me: Yeah sure, go ahead.
Budi: OMG Clare, your mom has Facebook?
Me: err... yeah?
Ray: what's wrong with that? MY mom has Facebook.
Budi: That is so cool...
Random much? Haha.
Hasn't been very eventful, it's pretty much been eat-practice-class-sleep-eat-practice-sleep-eat-practice-lesson-practice-sleep... What interesting lives we lead, no? *prays someone notices the sarcasm* Only now it feels like we've got 2 Saturdays cause a few of us have been habitually skipping "Nothing-Ever-Makes-Sense" classes on Fridays, so our Fridays kinda feel like Saturdays now. =D Though our routine doesn't even change then, except we allow ourselves to wake up a little later than usual...
I still got up at 8 this morning though.
EVERY time that monthly nightmare comes, I tire out faster than usual and get cranky and touchy cause I don't have the energy to do what I really wanna/have to do. I.e, practice! =( At least I can breathe now, since the jury schedule's finally out. Mine's at 11.20am, on the 27th of April. Not that I didn't know when it would be, but the list wasn't out till this morning, so I mean... I felt as if it wasn't for sure? What if they changed it to the 20th or something? I'd be screwed. O_O
Need to get back to practice soon... *sigh*
Oh, and I attended James' theory class this Tuesday, cause I woke up late... but never mind about that. His class is... well, you have this bunch of people trying to prove they know a lot, and by doing that, they annoy the hell out of the others, and then you have one smart ass making 2 other smart asses laugh non-stop.
Not because what he/she said is funny, it's just that those 2 would laugh at anything. Seriously, you don't even have to try to make them laugh. They just do it. And the way they laugh is...
Let's just say it's a cross between a hyena and a panting dog.
Unless something earth-shattering is bugging me, I usually still manage to plaster a big (albeit fake) smile on my face.
Not because I want to be fake, but some things happen out of your control.
So what's the point in being pissed about it?
Cheer up, kay? They're really, honestly, not worth bothering with. And as the old wives' tales go, frowning all the time makes you age faster. =)
To that other person...
Don't go around showing your long face and moan that your life is oh-so-dreadful. Complaining never solves anything. If you know something you did was not right, find out what it is and rectify it. If you don't know what to do, at least apologize. Being stuck up in your male ego doesn't make you a man, but if you come down from your high horse and ask for forgiveness, it means you've learnt from your mistakes. Then you MIGHT be on the way to becoming a respectable and responsible one (man).
And I hate it when some people think they're always right.
What are you, a saint?
Who're you to say what's right and what's wrong?
Every person phrases things differently, learn to FILTER!
Why can't you just take in constructive criticism instead of trying to twisting whatever another person said to make him/her look bad?
Was gonna practice till 10.30pm or later but my left arm gave way, so yeah... I've stopped.
Good thing too, cause right after I kept my stuff, 2 people walked in. O_O
Am supposed to be editing whatever I still want to/have to/must edit in my final project, which is due this Friday when we have our first rehearsal but...
Put it this way, I got carried away reading the many blog links Lina has on her blog. Particularly ones about foreign women living in Korea and have started dating Korean men. A lot of it just made me burst out laughing cause their experiences sound so ridiculous and (occasionally) unfortunate. And yeah, if half of the stuff on those blogs are true, then I'm VERY glad that I don't have a Korean boyfriend.
It's astounding how some stereotypes we think must be wrong, turn out to be true. I mean, I just blog-hopped to about 10 different blogs or so, and they can't have all been bull-shit. Though there was this blog I stopped reading after 2 posts or so cause the woman behind that blog seemed a little too sex-crazed. -_-"
Err... hello? In her mid-twenties and having climbed into bed with so many men that she's lost count?? And when she's asked how many, she has to think to what extent did they "go" that particular guy can be "counted"??? In case you're wondering, yes, she's American. *rolls eyes*
Speaking of which, a miracle happened. I went back to PGP in the afternoon to take a nap! That hasn't happened for the entire semester, save concert afternoons where most of us go back to take much-needed power naps to "re-charge" our batteries for the night (well, also because we'd most likely be out drinking after the concert =P). I don't think I slept too well last night, and after practicing for an hour and half or so in the morning, followed by the usual Monday "Sleeping Therapy" lecture and noon recital right after... I was pretty much dragging my feet around like a zombie, with my eyes only half opened. Lol.
Had a nice dinner with James at PGP before heading back here to practice. Was up in Room 30 when a pianist came to kick me out, so yeah... That's how I ended up in the keyboard lab. Heh. Oh f*ck I just realised that I still have my research paper to deal with. *curses*
Currently listening to: 明日は来るから, DBSK
Hey, I haven't been listening to their songs for a long LONG time now. Come to think of it, I haven't been gushing over Yun Ho and Jun Su either... Hmm...
*goes off to hunt for vids on Youtube*
I'm kidding. They don't have anything new on anyways, since the band seems dangerously close to disbanding. I hope that doesn't happen though, cause they're the first and only Korean boy band I've liked and whose major albums I've actually bothered buying (originals, mind you) because :
a) ALL 5 members actually sing (and pretty darn well too)
b) they sing acapella better than most pretty-boy Korean bands (most of which don't even try)
c) smooth dance moves get me everytime =D
d) every single one of them speak well and have a sense of humour
Of course, the fact that they're hot also contributes. =P
I should start editing my Fantasia now before it's time to head back...
Had an absolutely crazy night. Played in YST's last concert of the year in Esplanade, then had supper in a nice Hong Kong-style cafe (but not very Honky-ish to Ray), chatting and laughing all the way till it was time to go for our midnight movie - Clash of the Titans.
This concert has got to be the most tiring one out of the many concerts I've played in. Doesn't help that the Dvorak Symphony score I was reading from was a photostat-ed copy, and in case you don't know, reading a black and white score is very stressing for the eyes. More so when the lighting is yellow-ish. Walked off stage feeling a little light-headed. =(
Felt better after supper though. Was talking about the "failed" building manager who's currently working for YST. I mean, who takes a door knob from another door to fix a broken one, then comes back with another door knob to fix the door he took the knob off of, then going back down to his office to take another set of knobs because the one he brought up doesn't fit???
To be honest, after the day's events, I wasn't quite keen on watching the movie, but since the tickets had been bought and paid for... =) And I had something to rest my head on (and hide behind during gruesome scenes) throughout the entire movie anyways. =P
Movie was... okay in general. I liked the effects and all, but the gruesome parts scared me shitless and I had to hide behind James' shoulder whenever someone (or thing) was ripping another someone/thing apart, graphics and all were nicely done, and the dialogues didn't bore me to hell, but the ending was a little too predictable (and oh-so-typically cliche) for my taste.
By the time we got back to PGP, it was past 2am and I wanted nothing more than to curl up in one corner and sleep. Which was exactly what I did after changing out of my clothes and brushing my teeth. The bed never felt so comfortable. Lol!
Supposed to go for major class at noon, but I'm sort of glad he postponed it to tomorrow instead cause I was in no shape to play this morning. Was panicking when I got his call saying that he had some work to do so we would be having class tomorrow instead. Which means I have time to recover from last night's events, AND have more time to polish my etude which still sounds just a little better than crap. -_-"
I'm gonna be SO glad once jury's over. And the family are coming to visit (and take some of my junk back) on the 1st and 2nd of May! Might not join them for the Universal Studios outing they're planning cause we've still got to rehearse for our final project performance on the 3rd. After which is - SHOPPING TIME! Already got the o-kay from the boyfriend, so yeah... I won't be going on a shopping spree or anything, just want to get a few things that I've had on my mind for some time, but won't have time to till after juries.
I have no idea where I'm going with this post, but I'm digressing from my CAM research paper cause I'm sick of reading about Mozart's warped relationship with his father.
No, they were not incestuous.
I read Mozart's biography last semester and found his social life very interesting. The journal was focussed a lot on the father-son relationship, ad how it affected Mozart's life, and of course, his career.
According to the author, Mozart's father never really left him(Mozart) to stand on his own two feet. Even when Mozart was abroad, his father sent letters of advice (particularly on monetary expenditure) daily and would fret if he didn't receive a reply from Mozart fast enough.
Hence, my research title : Mozart, Was He Ever Truly Independent?
Last concert of this academic year's tomorrow night. I'll be so relieved once it's over... No more 6 hour-weekly rehearsals, and 12 on a concert week. This week has been very draining. No kidding. Doesn't help that we've got many things due in the next 2 weeks either.
Speaking of which, I just read something off a friend's friend's blog (hope you don't mind! - since you posted the link anyways =D) that kinda does make sense. Most of the time, in a relationship, if you really, honestly care for one another, there's no need for fancy dinners and beautiful flowers or expensive presents and (like I mentioned before) public proclamations of undying love. Some people (girls, mostly) might disagree with me, but isn't being there for one another more than enough?
I'm not saying you CAN'T go for fancy dinners and give each other gifts, but is it quite necessary to make them "requirements" in a relationship? Quite frankly speaking, I know most (simpler-minded people, anyways) would want nothing more to spend quality time with their significant other. In fact, spending time > gifts, anytime.
Even just a simple text reply. Don't believe me? Observe the people around you. I bet you can tell the difference from when a person receives a text (a positive one) from their loved one compared to receiving one from a friend/colleague.
And err, it's very easy to be overly sensitive with regards to the person you really care about. Things that wouldn't normally irritate you would irk you a little, no matter how much you tell yourself you don't mind. And words that the other person said that you didn't appreciate him/her saying are deeply etched into your memories.
I realised a long time ago that humans usually don't appreciate what they have till it's gone. Family members, good friends, helpful colleagues, boyfriends/girlfriends... Don't neglect them and (unconsciously) push them away, then regret once they're gone.
Not "crying over spilt milk", is a lesson I've learnt (and am still learning) that can be applicable to almost anything we do.
Random quote of the day:
"My swear words sound better than my playing." -_-"
James Ng Wen Liang
Sometimes I say things that come out harsher than I intended them to. But I wouldn't say anything at all if I didn't care.
Was stumbling around YST like a blithering idiot after major class with Souptel. O_O
Don't get me wrong, lesson was good (though I eff-ed up a section in the Wienawski) but I was developing a headache from PD meeting - no prizes for guessing why - and after an energy-draining class with Souptel, it's gotten worse. =(
Just finished chamber studio class, and I'm now waiting for James to come back with my dinner - Subway (oh, the joy *rolls eyes*) cause he locked me up in one of the seminar rooms.
I'm kidding. Seminar rooms are locked from the inside automatically after 6, and since the dude still wants to practice a little more before heading back to PGP, I have to stay inside to open the door for him once he gets back.
Not me, I've got a pile of dirty laundry begging to be washed. And I'm NOT gonna risk going back late and having to fight 50 other people for the washing machines/dryers.
Did I ever mention how much I hate doing laundry???
Yes. I'm ranting. Right. Here's my schedule for the day, and after knowing what I've had to put up with (particularly in the afternoon) then maybe you'd understand why I'm feeling so cranky right now.
9-10am : practice
10-1pm : Orchestra Rehearsal
1pm-2pm : Lunch
2-3.30pm : PD meeting with Lionel. (at least we had pizza) =D
Don't ask me why. I just like the dance steps. The music itself is... boringly straightforward. It's just the usual I-vi-IV-ii-V-I chord progression.
I'm supposed to be practicing right now but Howard and I got chased out of Sem Room 8 cause they're having a class there. So I'm now in the Keyboard Lab, procrastinating.
No no no, I promise I'll get back to it later. Cause Jon Shin's working on his essay now so err... I figured that hearing my horribly out-of-tune playing won't make it any easier for him to finish his homework. =D
I'd normally just crash into James' practice room, but there are too many people in there now, I don't wanna make the space anymore cramped than it already is. Sides, once Jon Shin's done, I'll have the room all to myself. No one ever comes in here apart from the "eye-sore" couple, Jon, Danny (occasionally) and well, me.
Just found out that our granduncle passed away yesterday morning. My family was kinda pissed because my uncles and aunts didn't even tell us - they found out through someone totally unrelated to us. Like, what the hell? Do they even still view us as family??
We've kept our opinions to ourselves but honestly, they don't even care about their own family members. I'm not talking about us, we can look after ourselves, thank you very much, but they don't even treat the members in their immediate family well.
Making anchovy soup for someone who's having cancer, and not letting him eat what he wants?
Not taking care of your husband with the excuse of you having to work?
Not quitting your job to take care of your dying mother when there are 3 others earning money in your family?
When your parents are in the hospital, not taking turns to visit them?
You not only not visit them, you sit around dumbly and wait for your other siblings to pay for the hospital bills???
*Note: I'm not only talking about 1 person. In fact, each "you" in each statement refers to different people from the same family.*
What kind of example are you setting for your children? Do you want THEM to treat YOU the same way next time? It's bad enough that you lot look down on my parents' profession, and we KNOW you people don't think much of what I'm studying, you think the world of your own "amazingly-smart" offspring and boast about their achievements at every chance you get (but if you ask me, they seriously need to work on their PR skills), but you can't spare a bit of your time and make an effort to care for those who have cared for you??
Ah well, the world is full with warped people - like I experienced myself just 2 days ago - I'm just thankful I wasn't born into THEIR family.
Speaking of which, I really really miss mine...
Thanks to you, I've learnt that a person can only care so much.
Oh, and thanks a million for being there for me when I was on the verge of breaking down.
Changed my blog URL due to... err... unforeseen circumstances.
Just for the record, I find men who add random girls on Facebook and then verbally harassing them should die and rot-in-HELL.
Wait. They should be castrated first.
And the dude was a friend of a friend. I never approve friend requests coming from people who don't have friends in common with me. O_O
The conversation started okay, then got really weird when he started using the lamest pick up lines in existence to hit on me. Like, what the hell? When I decided to stop the conversation cause I didn't like where it was going, he sent me 2 messages on Facebook and 3 e-mails to beg for forgiveness and for me to "give him a second chance" cause he "really likes me".
Like, which part of "I-have-a-boyfriend" did he not understand??
I deleted him off my Facebook, MSN and blocked him from sending me any messages.
I even changed my privacy settings so that he wouldn't be able to find me and "add me as a friend" again.
Sick, I tell you.
James did a double-check for me after that, and the people on his "friends" list were all girls with nice profile pics. And they obviously don't know him cause his wall's empty and when he comments on his "friends'" posts, they don't reply.
The dude also managed to get hold of my blog url (now you know why I changed it?) before I could hide it from the public and commented 3 times on my previous post. Urgh! Gross, I tell you. These men - no, they can't even be called men - these... jackasses should just get a hormone-reduction cause they're obviously just after sex.
I was so disturbed after that. Felt much better after talking to Tarrant, my bro and later, James. I owe you guys big time. =)
Okay I have to get back to practicing now. Going for dinner at 5, and we have orchestra for 3 hours from 6.30-9.30pm.