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Thursday, 4 February 2010

Feeling A Little Sick

of myself...

Was having dinner with James in Clementi earlier. No, we weren't out on a date *frowns* we had to bank in a cheque or we wouldn't be getting our stipend from NUS. -_-"

Dinner was a nice change from the usual NUS canteen food we get though. And the price is around the same anyways. We even had banana fritters (Goreng Pisang) for dessert after our meal. =)

So anyways, there was a lady and her mom (in-law??) sitting diagonally across us in the hawker centre. The daughter was cutting up the food into smaller pieces so the old lady wouldn't have such a tough time biting into them. That reminded me a lot of what my maid/dad/aunt used to do when my late paternal grandmother got weaker and had difficulty chewing tougher food substances.

The sight of that old lady trying so hard to chew her food whilst her daughter seemed to be so impatient with her nearly drove me to tears. I had to determinedly look away (at my food) cause I could feel moisture gathering in my eyes already.

I wish I had treated my grandmother better.

Of course, I had my reasons for disliking her, which I shall not disclose, but yeah... Whatever she used to do to me as a kid scarred me, and I never learnt to love her as I should have. When she passed, I only cried once, but that was because I saw my dad shedding painful tears. I didn't cry during her funeral, or at any other memorial occasion after that.

It's been almost a year since she passed. Within this year, I never gave her much thought. Yeah sure, my family and I still mention her once in awhile... Especially recalling how vicious her verbal fights were with my grandfather, how she would call us for dinner at 3pm, and how she used to dote on my brother... but I never actually reflected on her as a person, as my grandmother.

I used to think that she must hate me (because more often than not, being around her always resulted in me getting beaten), but that's because I only kept the bitter memories. What I find now is that, we just got off the wrong foot (cause I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother, and she didn't like that much) and coupled with some unlucky events as well. I got into an accident when I was 7, where a motorcycle ran over my back as she and I were crossing the road. I got pretty bad scars on my back, and still remember screaming in pain whenever my mom had to bathe the wounds. I blamed the accident on her then, but she really couldn't have done it on purpose.

Ah, regrets. They really are painful when they hit you. I wish I could take back some of the things I said about her. She single-handedly brought up my dad and aunt when my grandfather was being irresponsible (he turned a new leaf after that), and did odd jobs to support the family. If it weren't for her, my dad would not be the person he is today.

Though I can never bring myself to say the words I-love-you to her, I DO respect her. And I dearly wish I could have been more of an assistance when she was bedridden and needed company. Seeing the way that daughter was treating her mother, I felt like I was seeing myself, the way I used to be so impatient with her, snapping at her when she started yelling for someone to sit her up/take her to the loo, complaining when my dad asked me to feed her...

Ma-ma, this may all be too late but...

I'm sorry.

Gah, I can't believe I'm feeling so miserable now...


I need a hug.


너의 친구 리나 =) said...

Don't be too hard on yourself Clare. Even though you and Granny got off to a rough start, you will always be her eldest grandchild. Grandparents are always proud of their grandkids and only wants what's best for us, no matter what the circumstances are. who knows my granny has met yours and they're exchanging grandkid stories? does your granny play cards? maybe mine may need an extra player in her game? hehehe... xD *HUGZ*...if u wanna talk about it..anytime Clare. =D

Clarissa said...

Haha. Thanks Lina. Just felt a little guilty for the way I used to think about her, you know? Hehe~ Anyways, it's all in the past. Just hope she's found peace, wherever she is now.=)