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Thursday, 14 January 2010

I Wish...

I wish I could be selfish enough to tell you that I need you around. I really was going to take away yet another few hours of your time and impose on your privacy but...

Remember I promised you that you'd get loadsa space and "alone" time? Well, I realised that I haven't been giving you that promised "time", and you're tired enough as it is. You don't need me there, relating everything that's on my mind, which (most of) doesn't concern you.

Looking back at the past few days, I haven't been fair to you at all. Admittedly things have been really shitty for me, but I also made things shitty for you by being in a shitty mood all week.

I'm not in a bad mood anymore, but I really wish you were with me. Your presence itself is a reassurance. I somehow manage NOT to think about anything depressing when you're uttering the randomest things on earth, or even when you just talk to me. It really takes my mind off things... But that's just me being selfish.

Having said all that, I think it's only fair that I leave you alone for a night, because I'd rather suffer in silence tonight rather than have you think of me as a nuisance for the rest of my life...

I'm sorry.

Why did I take such a long time to realise that I was being a bitch?

Remember the post I did about regrets? How regrets can make a person feel SO bad he/she feels like dying? And how, just by thinking about what you did, can drive you up the "freakin' Great Wall of China"?

Well, *points to self* exhibit A.


Hearing your voice just now, I nearly cried again, realising how much it must have sucked to have to deal with me for the past few days. I know saying anything now won't make much of a difference, and you probably don't want me around as often as you used to anymore, but I'll try my best not to be like that ever again. 

Seeing that you were still online after the call, I was tempted... SO tempted to ask what were you doing still online and not resting like you ought to. I had to remind myself : space, time, privacy...

I really REALLY hate feeling like this.


*goes off to a small corner to choke back tears*

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