I Serve

Click Click Click!

Sunday, 31 January 2010

I Can't Believe

That you were capable of such a thing.

I wish there were words strong enough for me to tell you how much I detest your very existence. How could you even bring yourself to do something like that? You think it's alright to break someone's heart, but not when someone breaks yours?

Because of what you did last year, I nearly lost my good opinion of a dear friend.

Now it's all clear. YOU're the bastard who (quite literally) flawed her reputation, and a month later, you developed a crush on another girl, LYING to your girlfriend about your feelings, and trying to reassure her, asking her to trust you...

Then repaying her by telling her, after months of lying, that whatever you've said to her were all friggin' fake. Don't you have a single humane feature left in your being??

My respect for you has officially gone from 5% to a complete 0%.

We all thought you really loved her. That you really cared for her. You spent time with her when she came down for lessons, you even accompanied her to class... You made all those promises and commented on her blogposts with skin-crawling mushy messages...

And I can't believe we were making excuses for your less-than-friendly behavior towards those within our circle of friends. We tried to be nice, but apparently that doesn't work for you.

Fine then, we'll be nasty.

I'm not gonna rant anymore, because you're not worth the time, and I'm sick of wasting time being angry and wanting to rip you apart for hurting her like that. So as much as I would like to swear at you in every possible language at every possible angle, I'm just gonna to IGNORE you.

One more thing though, you should just go to a corner, and go f*ck yourself.

You-Make-Me-Sick.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

I Swear...

I'll go bonkers if I practice another minute.

-_-"

Just did 3 and 1/2 hours of non-stop practice. Blergh~ Non-stop, mind you. I didn't even take a friggin' toilet break. I might do a little more tonight before heading back to PGP, just not right now. I can't feel the tips of my (left-hand) fingers as I'm typing, and I think I might've sprained my right arm.

Again.

*yawns*

I'm not sleepy. Just tired.

Looking forward to going back home for the Chinese New Year holidays! Can't wait! To think I'll be back in my own room, with my (non-communal) bathroom, my dog and my family around me...

Oh my goodness, and the FOOD!

*drools*

Haha. Sorry. I just need to keep thinking about happy things to err... occupy my mind. Else I start thinking about other stuff that really isn't my problem. *looks pointedly at a-hem*

Class with Souptel was good. (I hope) I'm improving, but he still thinks I'm playing very conservatively. He was going on about "take the risk!" and "never mind you make mistake! Just... let go!"

Sounds easy, but yeah... I gotta work on that. And I reckon I have to get over my phobia of performing solo, and of auditions as well. Cause if I keep freezing up when I really have to just let go and play as I've practiced, I'm never gonna get anywhere. Every single time I play solo, doesn't matter whether it's a small scale concert or an exam, I freeze up. And once I make one blunder, I panic and make even more blunders.

Grr... 

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Wasting Time?

No, I'm just waiting to go for lunch. Managed to practice for a FULL 1 and a half hours before some pianist decided to exercise her rights in claiming the piano priority practice room for her use, so yeah, I had to make way. O_O

I just wanted to post up something really random.

Okay fine, it's not that random, I have my reasons for posting it up. A little discussion I was having with someone brought this to mind...


Honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes it results in you hearing what you really don't want to hear. But sometimes, we know something is wrong, but we just need someone to slap it in our face so that we'll actually do something about it.

I'm one of those people. Don't even bother decorating your words before you spit them out. I would rather hear the ice cold words, because that's what hurts most, and since I care so much about what others think of me, I would take the trouble to correct whatever it is I'm doing wrong.

Therefore, I don't care how you do/phrase/say it, you might make me cry in the process, but seriously...

Just-tell-me.

I'm not gonna hate you just because you're outlining my weaknesses. In fact, I appreciate it. No kidding, I really do. Looking in the mirror doesn't always work. Sometimes you need someone else to point out the flaws in your reflection. Cause there's a little devil called "willful blindness" that conveniently blinds you from what you know, but don't want to acknowledge.


Like Choon Hui always says, I'm a "tough cookie", not a softie. I can take whatever you throw at me. =)

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Schowie~

It's my not-so-packed day today. I used to hate Tuesdays last semester, cause I had 3-4 classes lined up in a row plus major class in the evening, but Music Tech got cancelled this morning and my next class is at 6pm, after which I'm going for dinner, then watch the second half of a piano recital, then maybe practice a little more while I wait to go back to PGP and crash!

Slept like a pig last night (this morning?) but it was hardly enough. I reckon I only slept... what, 5 hours? Maybe less. O_O

I WILL sleep more tonight! Or I'm gonna look like a zombie tomorrow. Not that I don't already, but yeah... Hehe~

Got a nutty schedule tomorrow. Dr Tony's class in the morning till 12pm, PD from 2-5pm, then Chamber studio 6-7pm, then practice. -_-"

Grr... Wanna-go-back-primary-school.......

Blergh.

I keep thinking that Chinese New Year is next week. O_O Have no idea why though. Maybe cause I can't wait to go back! Just thinking about the food, the "ang-paus", the dinners, the visiting... Oooh! I can't wait for our usual lunch in the grandparents' place on the second day of Chinese New Year. She always goes all out on that day, cooking more than we can stomach. =)

On a random note,

We all know what an apology is: it's an expression of remorse or guilt over having said or done something that is hurtful, and a request for forgiveness. But it's hard to swallow our pride and say, ' I'm sorry.' Everyone has difficulties making amends for mistakes or repairing the effects of angry words, and I'm no exception.

I can't think of a way to make it right, but if it helps...

I'm sorry...



*the apology is directed to 2 people who mean a lot to me. One, I know what I said/did wrong, the other, I'm not so sure. But judging by the way she/he was acting around me, I must have said/done something wrong...*

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Brief

Got the freakin' period today. Blergh. Thankfully I didn't get the cramps or I would've been in a cranky mood all day.

Still felt uncomfortable around the tummy though. O_O

Went to watch "Spy Next Door" earlier this evening. Had an o-kay dinner at "Kopitiam", one of the food courts in Vivo - chicken rice. The movie was... good, but predictable. Ah well, it's Jackie Chan, so... I liked the blooper-section at the end of the movie though. =) And there are specifically 2 movies coming out that I would definitely wanna catch. *hint*

=P

I was actually questioning my suggestion about going out tonight at one point, because someone was worrying about something and I wondered if it was a wise move, going for a movie when that person might not have felt like it. But after my (rather long-winded) lecture, (I hope) whatever I said cheered that person up. -_-"

Or maybe I just managed to numb that person's mind after my non-stop-mindless-chatter.

I REALLY hope that's not the case though.

Sorry. I'm tired, cranky and well, just not thinking straight. The temperature of my room is NOT helping, and neither is the headache I'm currently developing. It was a good night out, though we only had dinner and movie (with popcorn!!) it's a nice change from just school-practice-eat-school-rehearsal-practice-eat-sleep. Hehe~

I just talked to the family so, I'm gonna head to bed soon. My eyes are barely open and I'm meeting up with someone for brunch at 11 tomorrow... Wouldn't wanna be late cause, not only I hate making people wait for me, but I have Chamber rehearsals at 1pm so, yeah.

Okay this is really random, but every time I look at my schedule, I wish I was back in Primary school where my time table consisted of watching cartoons, playing games and (Yamaha) music classes instead of lectures, rehearsals and practice. Not to mention that I didn't have to worry about my future back then... Gah, so many complications arise as we get older.

It's life, I guess.

Right, I'm off to slumberland now.

*yawns*



I was never very good with words, and sometimes the things I want to say don't come out right, but I hope you know that there are people backing you up 100% (including myself), so don't throw in the towel, keep on practicing and you'll do just fine.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Jealousy

It may only be a simple word, but does not have such a simple definition behind it. There are many reasons we feel jealous and though it is a normal human emotion to feel, it tends to get out of control if we fail to tame it.

How can we sustain love when lurking rivals, imaginary or real, threaten to destroy our fragile state of happiness? How can we love freely when jealousy becomes more seductive than love itself? Isolated by the sheer terror of being betrayed sooner or later, the jealous lover hangs in suspense, waiting for the bomb to drop.

Jealousy is unmistakable. It hurts. As The Oxford English Dictionary describes it, jealousy is a state of mind arising from the "suspicion, apprehension, or knowledge of rivalry" and affects our body before it reaches the mind. Our best poets have not missed the physical sting of jealousy. Milton speaks of it as the "injured lover's hell," Dryden calls it "jaundice of the soul," and Shakespeare, "the green-eyed monster" - Othello.

"Jealousy lives upon doubts. It becomes madness or ceases entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainly." - La Rochefoucauld, French Moralist

Many of us assume that it is normal to be jealous when we love. After all, one doesn't plan to be jealous. It happens. Jealousy springs without warning - making a man doubt his worth and a woman her attraction. He loses his bearings, the world around her suddenly shrinks. "Why does she seem to have more to say to him than to me?", "Who's that girl he seems to be on the phone with more these days?" He/she starts noticing the teeniest detail and magnifies, exaggerates it without intending to.

Jealousy is one of the most destabilizing of all emotions. It can be defined as a person's fears and anxieties around attention that they think is being given to or received by the one who is dear and important to them.

Jealousy is also about a deep fear of the unknown and of change, fear of being abandoned and of losing that special someone. Jealous people feel often very insecure and anxious about their worthiness, feeling that they might not be good enough for the other partner. They may feel threatened by good qualities of other people comparing them to their own selves and worrying that the other part might leave them for another.

So, how is it possible to prevent these ugly thoughts from appearing and flooding one's mind? The best thing to start with is to start communicating your feelings with your partner. It is important to ask them why they have chosen especially you and also tell them openly that you love them. You may want to explain also that because they are so important to you, you are feeling jealous and insecure about that one other person you think might be a potential "third party". There is a great chance that your partner will reassure you of the fact that he/she is in a relationship with you because of feelings for you only and not as a "stand-in" until someone better comes along.

Never feel in a negative way about yourself and certainly do not talk negatively about yourself. (I'm talking about BOTH your concerns) Self confidence is always respected by others and if you constantly keep thinking about positive things when negative feelings start invading you, a habit of doing so will eventually erase the negative thoughts altogether.


I hope this helps.

Don't worry, kay?

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Waiting...

Another tag from Lina's blog. I'm just doing this cause I'm waiting for someone to finish practicing so we can head back to PGP and SLEEP!

Anyways...

1.This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it?
Err...?

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
The last person I texted was Raymond. Therefore, HYPOTHETICALLY speaking. my last name would be "Chan"
But the last time I checked, he has a girlfriend, and I don't poach, so yeah. =)

3. Were you happy when you woke up today?
Yeap. =D

4. When were you on the phone last? And with who?
This afternoon. With Wynne.

5.What is the last thing someone bought you?
Can't remember exactly, but I think it was a drink?

6.What’s something that can always make you feel better?
Some"thing"? hahaha. Random statements. =)

7. What are you excited for?
CHINESE NEW YEAR!

8. What were you doing yesterday?
Lets see... Dr Hess' class at 9am, followed by Dr Koo at 10, then lunch, practice, Chamber rehearsal from 3-4pm, rest, Chamber class from 6-7pm, head back to PGP to do my laundry, chat with the siblings for a bit, SLEEP!

9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you?
Why the HELL should I answer this "honestly"?

10. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Ricola blackcurrant-flavoured sweet. *drools*

11. Have a best friend?
Nope

12. Are you scared to fall in love?
Not anymore? Haha

13. Do you think teenagers can be in love?
If they don't read/watch chick literature/chick flicks, yeah sure!
*prays someone notices the sarcasm*

14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
Someone who conveniently forgot my lunch order, when I was freakin' starving~!

15. What time is it right this second?
2130hours

16. What do you want right now?
To stop wasting my time and go back to sleep...~

17. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
James

18. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?
*tra~lala*
confused.

I'm JOKING!

19. When was the last time you cried?
Last week

20.Father or mother?
Mother. (sorry daddy. =P)

21. Do you find it hard to trust others?
Not really, unless you do something that results in me doubting you (which is pretty easy).

22. How fast does your mind change?
De-pends.

23. I bet you miss somebody right now.
Who doesn't?

24. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
I guess so...

25. Why do you think so many people cheat?
Because we're only human, and we all make mistakes. =)

26. Tell me what's on your mind
......

27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
Chinese New Year, movies, Concerts and more Concerts. OOH! And mummy-watching! =P

28. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
I used to ONLY wear the "opposite sex"'s clothing. Haha. Still do though.

29. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?
I don't rank my friends. They're either my friends, or not at all.

30. When is your next road trip?
No idea. Hopefully after jury in May! Thailand, anyone?

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?
Yep!

32. How's your heart? (BPM)
I hope it's okay. O_O

33. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?
Oh yes, heaps of times.

34. Do you think somebody's in love with you?
I don't "think" so. =D

35. What are you planning on doing after this?
SLEEP!

36. When will your next kiss take place?
No freakin' idea

37. Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Yep

38. Who do you not get along with?
Just a small handful. Mainly people from "ChingChongLand" >_<

39. What does your 3rd recent text say?
"hugs"

40. What are you wearing right now?
T-shirt and shorts

41.Are you wasting your time on the person you like?
Nope. Cause I don't "like" anyone.

42. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese?
Can't remember.

43. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now?
Don't have a favourite. =)

44. How did you feel when you woke up?
Sleepy, but happy. =)

45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now
Yep.

46. Do you crack your knuckles?
All the time. =)

47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
Sleeping.

48. What are your LEGAL initials?
CNPW.

49. Who's the first B in your contacts?
Bukit Jalil Golf and Country Club. LOL!

50. When was the last time you laughed really hard?
This morning in Dr Tony's class.

51. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them?
Again, no "top" friend.

52. Last awkward moment?
can't remember

53. Are you afraid of the dark?
No. I LIKE the dark. =D

54. Do you have good vision?
Nope. I wear specs for a reason, ya' know?

55. Have you ever tripped someone?
Yeah...

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
Once. A bastard who was bad-mouthing his ex-girlfriend.

57. Are you Irish?
HUH???

58. Do you use chop sticks?
Yes

59. Do you have any scars?
A few

60. Is there someone you will never forgive?
Oh yes.

61. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments?
Yes, but I turn tomato-red when I do so.

62. Name the last person to text you?
Raymond Chan.

63. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you?
Nope.

64. Can you go in public looking like you do?
Yes, but that's just MY opinion.

65. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
center?

66. Is it easy for someone to make you smile?
Yes. Unless I'm in a cranky mood. -_-'

67. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day?
I have no idea, probably... run away? LOL!

68. Do you fall for people easily?
Nope.

69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Yep

70. Do you miss the way things used to be?
Sometimes, but I'm happy with where I am now. =)

71. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
VERY seldom. I have an issue where what I want to say goes through my brain only once then comes straight out of my mouth. That's still something I'm working on. =P

72. Song you're thinking of right now?
"You and I" Park Bom

73. Want someone back in your life?
Yes. The grandpa

74. Will tomorrow be better than today?
I sure hope so!

75. What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing?
It's not a "shirt", per se, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. -White

76. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
Yeah.

77. Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Wouldn't it bug ANYBODY? Unless you told me I'm pretty, or some other harmless lie. =P

78. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
I don't "display" my relationship status anywhere, but yeah, I think so.

79. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?
I don't smile 24/7, but I'm usually a hyper person even on my "off" days. =) How can you "force" happiness? -_-'

80. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?
NOPE~!

81.)Full names of your potential kids?
How would I know their full names when I don't know who my husband will be? LOL!
In any case, if I (get struck by lightning, go completely insane and suddenly decide to) have kids, I'd just make sure their names won't be anything others (their peers, for instance) can make weird (and not-so-nice) nicknames out of.

82.) What are your nicknames?
Clarrie (For the family ONLY), Clarinet (back in sec school), Kari Laksa (don't ask me why), Clare (by most of my friends), Riss (NOT RIS LOW!) and Bi-bi (my aunt has called me that since I was a toddler).


Still waiting~

Time And Time Again

It's a constant thorn in our side. It doesn't wait for you, it has no mercy. Once it's gone, no amount of money will get it back. When you wish it would jet past faster, it crawls; when you wish it would just stand still, it ticks away at 200km/hr.

Such, is the nature of "time".

So many things have happened in the past month. So many that I can hardly believe my luck sometimes. I may complain about hating my life all the time, but there are (will always be), 3 aspects of it that I will never hate. =)

In just a short month, I've learnt that : just because I'm in a bad mood, it doesn't make it alright to be angry with everyone around me; just because things aren't going well for me, I shouldn't make it so that the people around me feel as if things aren't going well for them either.

I was never one for making resolutions, but I WILL learn to control my temper and moods better. =)

From December 18th up till today, I realized how important (and relieving) it is to have someone you can always count on. No matter what shitty mood you're in, that person's forever forgiving, and you wish you could do more for that person...

But it never seems enough.

Yes of course, I still wonder if I did the right thing, made the right decision... But those moments come a lot less now, and I'm getting more confident and sure of my choice as time goes by. I really hope that doesn't change.

Right. I'm off to another class now.

Okay, you caught me. This was just a post to pass time faster.

=P


Sorry I messed up the details. Haha!

Monday, 18 January 2010

Wants and Needs?

Yes, I am yet again, left with nothing to do but ponder about random things/issues that (may/may not) concern myself.

=)

I've had a really long day, and I'm so tired right now I could just drop dead, but this (issue?) has been at the back of my mind since this afternoon and, since I know I won't be able to fall asleep until I blog about it......

Well, this is gonna be a random post about relationships. 

In a relationship, there are always things partners expect from one another. It's a dance of compromise, compassion and personal boundaries.

"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

That, is a common accusation BOTH women and men make that, upon closer examination, does not make sense. 

Not-One-Jot.

Earth to whoever uses that (unfair) statement on their significant other, unless he/she is a freakin' mind-reader (psychopath), how the HELL is he/she supposed to know what he/she did wrong/you want/need??

Be honest, and just tell him/her outright, for goodness' sake. There's no point beating around the bush/being shy, cause if you start beating around the bush/being shy around him/her, it just shows that you're not comfortable with being frank with him/her, which also means that you're not ready to be in a relationship to start with.

Loving one another is being able to tell him/her, "that shirt looks horrendous/you need to tone your voice down a little/what you said earlier really hurt/can you try bugging me a little less?/I'm busy right now, can I talk to you later?" without worrying about jeopardizing your love for one another. If you can't even tell your man/woman that he/she's got curry stains on his/her teeth, then you shouldn't have gone past the flirting stage in the first place. -_-'

If your excuse is : but what if we end up arguing?

It is a known fact, that we argue with the people we care about. Admittedly, most of us end up sprouting nonsense and (women, in particular) dig up  and mention (resolved) issues of the past which have no relation whatsoever to whatever you're currently arguing about. Being in the midst of an argument/heated discussion is not the best time to listen to one another's needs. Come on, you're both not in the right state of mind, you're both not able to be reasonable, and you're both probably gonna end up saying things you don't mean.

Which you WILL regret, after things have cooled down, and you've had a couple of minutes to realize what you said to each other.

The best way to solve your problems, is not to be silent, and tell each other what you wish he/she did more/less, what he/she said that offended you, what he/she did that annoyed you, how much you want he/she to spend more time with you etc...

Cause seriously, relationships thrive on honesty, communication, mutual caring, and time spent together.

Yes yes yes, easier said than done.

How 'bout this then?

Start by telling him/her where you wanna eat for lunch tomorrow.

=)



It's been a month now...

*hugs*

Sunday, 17 January 2010

LOVE this. =)

Park Bom- You And I




No matter what happens
Even when the sky is falling down
I’ll promise you
That I’ll never let you go

Oh~~~Oh~~Oh~~~oh~~Oh~~~oh~~Yeah~~~

You naega sseureojilddae
Jeoldae heundeullimeopsi
Ganghan nunbicheuro
Myeotbeonigo nal ileukyeojweo

And you, na himae gyeoulddae
Seulpeumeul byeolang kkeutkkaji ddo akkimeopsi
Chajawa du son japeun geudaeyegae

[Chorus]

Nan haejoongae eopneundae
Chorahan najiman
Oneul geudae wihae i norae booleoyo
Tonight geudaeye du noonae
Geu miso dwiae nalwihae gamchweowatdeon
Apeumiboyeoyo

You and I together
It just feels so right
Ibyuliran maleulhaedo
Geu nuga mweorahaedo nan geudael jikilgae

You and I together
Nae du soneul nochijima
Annyoungiran maleun haedo
Naegae i saesangeun ojik neo hanagiae

You maneun sarangcheoreom
Oori sarang yeokshi jogeumssik byunhagaetjyo
Hajiman jaebal seulpeo malayo
Oraen chinhan chingu cheoreom
Namaneul mideulsuitgae gidaelsuitgae
I promise you that I’ll be right here, baby

[Chorus]
Nan haejoongae eopneundae
Chorahan najiman
Oneul geudae wihae i norae booleoyo
Tonight geudaeye du noonae
Geu miso dwiae nalwihae gamchweowatdeon
Apeumiboyeoyo

You and I together
Nae du soneul nochijima
Annyoungiran maleun haedo
Naegae i saesangeun ojik neo hanagiae

Waeroun bami chajaolddaen
Na salmyeosi nooneul gamayo
Geudaeye soomgyeoli nal aneulddae
Mueotdo duryeopji anjyo
E saesang geu eoddeon nugudo
Geudaereul daeshin halsueopjyo
You are the only one
And I’ll be there for you, baby

You and I together
It just feels so right
Ibyeoliran maleulhaedo
Geu nuga mweorahaedo nan geudael jikilgae

You and I together
Nae du soneul nochijima
Annyoungiran maleunhaedo
Naegae i saesangeun ojik neo hanagiae

Just you and I
Forever and ever

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Because, I'm bored. =P

Nabbed this from Lina's blog. Hope you don't mind girl! =)

I'm actually waiting for my family to get back home so I can Skype with them, so yeah... Just something to do to pass the time.

1. What curse word do you use the most?
=P

2. Do you own an iPod?
Yep

3. What person on your list do you talk to the most?
Not sure... Probably either Louisa/Guan Yu/James

4. What time is your alarm clock set to?
0800 hrs

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?
Who wouldn't? O_O

6. Do you remember where you were on 11/9/01?
Regardless of whether you mean 11th of Sept, or the 9th of Nov... Nope, not at all.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
take the picture. Well, I'm sorry if I'm camera shy. -_-"

8. What was the last movie you watched?
Avatar. *beams*

9. Do any of your friends have children?
The last time I checked, nope.

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
Yeah, and added a "pig" behind it too. *glares*

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?
Nope, never.

12. What cd is currently in your cd player?
Dunno about CD player, but I've got Brahms: Piano Quartets/Quintets in my Macbook.

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Regular.

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Yep. =D

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?
The last time I was in Genting?

16. Can you whistle?
Barely.

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Smile.

18. What are you looking forward to?
Chinese New Year!! =P

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Yeah DOH!

20. Do you own any band t-shirts?
No.

21. What will you be doing in one hour?
(hopefully) Skype-ing with the family =)

22. Is anyone in love with you?
*whistles*

23. What was the last song you heard?
Yearning of the Heart - Ast'1

24. Last time you cried?
Err... 2 nights ago, I think?

25. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?
MACBOOK! =P

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
I thought of getting another piercing on my ear, but nah...

27. What’s the weather like?
It's never the same for an entire day. I'm in Singapore, for goodness' sake. 

28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?
Ew, hell no.

29. What did you do before this?
Finish my CAM homework.

30. When is the last time you slept on the floor?
When the Singaporeans, Raymond and James were staying over at my house.

31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
When I need to, 4-5?

32. Do you eat breakfast daily?
Nope

33. Are your days fast-paced?
Insanely so.

34. What did you do last night?
Went for a concert and spent some quality time with err... someone  =)

35. Do you use sarcasm?
I live, eat, dream sarcasm baby. *winks*

36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
DON'T-REMIND-ME!!! *sulks*

37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Annoyingly so. And about pronunciation as well.

38. Have you ever been to six flags?
Huh??

39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
Equally, I'd like to think.

40. Do you like mustard?
Not-one-jot.

41. Do you sleep on your side?
Yeap

42. Do you watch the news?
Nope

43. How did you get one of your scars?
Almost getting knocked over by a car.

44. Who was the last person to make you mad?
Can't remember.

45. Do you like anybody?
What are you talking about? I like a lot of people!

46. What is the last thing you purchased?
Loacker bite-size wafer cookies!!!

47. What side of the heart do you draw first?
Left

48. Can you dive without plugging your nose?
I-don't-dive?

49. What colour is your razor?
Light Blue

50. What is your blood-type?
No flippin' idea. =P

51. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
*whistles*

52. What is a rumour someone has spread about you?
I don't want to think about it, thanks.

53. How do you feel about carrots?
Yummy! I like chewing on raw carrot sticks. Yes, it's weird, but I don't care. =D

54. How many chairs at the dining room table?
10

55. Which is the best Spice Girl?
I'm sorry, I grew out of them, and I don't even know all their names. O_O

56. Do you know what time it is?
2305 hrs

57. Do you know all the words to the Fresh Prince Theme Song?
Fresh Prince - what?!

58. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Ring the alarm

59. What’s your favourite kind of gum?
I don't like chewing gum

60. T or F: All’s fair in love and war?
F.

61. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Nope.

62. Do you know how to use some words correctly, but not know the meaning?
Err... Have difficulty explaining the meaning, maybe, but not NOT know the meaning.

63. Do you like to sleep?
Who doesn't?

64. Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings Time?
Nope

65. Do you know the song Total Eclipse of the Heart?
Yeap.

66. Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?
Eww, NO!

67. What’s something you’ve always wanted?
To be taller?
I'm KIDDING!

68. Do you have hairy LEGS?
Define "hairy"

69. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Swimming Pool, thanks.

70. Do you wear a lot of black?
Yeah... it's either black, blue or white with me. =)

71. Describe your hair:
To quote someone, not long, not short. haha! Dark Brownish, wavy-ish.

72. Do you have Entomophobia?
Entomopho - whatsis???

73. Are you an adult?
I wish I wasn't, but yeah...

74. Where is/are your best friend(s)?
Ain't got one =)

75. Do you have a tan?
Nope.

76. Are you a television addict?
Nah, not at all.

77. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Yep. =D

78. Are you a sugar freak?
Nope.

79. Do you like orange juice?
Not particularly

80. What sign are you?
Stubbornly Taurus.



Yes, I'm THAT bored.

Of Ups And Downs...

It has been a crazy week.

Since I've just finished writing an essay on "What I Wish To Achieve" for my Communications class, and my mind is still filled to the brim of my thoughts on achievements, I shall *I can hear people groaning already =P* blog about "Achievements".

“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.”


Achieving something you’ve been aiming for always gives you a satisfying sense of accomplishment. It does not matter how small that achievement is – it might just be winning a small-scale inter-class competition – the chill down your spine when you hold that shiny (plastic) medal in your hands is something you will never forget. 

 

I have experienced those feelings a couple of times – winning a chinese calligraphy competition back in primary school, getting good grades, obtaining “Distinctions” in my music exams, getting accepted into YST, and so on. Most of the time, though, the wave of satisfaction I feel when I achieve these things are due to the response I get from loved ones. My parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles have been my pillars of support these past 19 years. Without them, I would never have been able to make it this far. 


Well, generally, what I would eventually want to achieve in my life is the same as most people – have a steady-paying job, my own house and car, being able to support my parents, and (eventually) get married to someone I’m prepared to look at/share my life/tolerate/quarrel with for the rest of my life.


That’s a very LONG list of achievements. And to get there, there are so many other little achievements I would have to work hard for...


If one could have, say, the life and money of a prince/princess, wouldn’t anybody in the right mind jump at the chance? 

 

Forgive me if I deviate, but, taking a step back and analyzing everything, you wouldn’t be very happy, would you? 

 

I know of many accomplished (and rich) individuals who lead miserable lives – no family, no moral support from friends and/or family, no spouse etc.


Being very close to my siblings and parents, I cannot imagine my life without them, and miss them terribly when I’m over here, studying.


Having said all that, I have come to the conclusion that, no matter what crappy job I end up with, as long as I am happy, and have everyone I love around me, that in itself, is an achievement. I don't care for BMW(s) and Louis Vuitton handbags. If having branded (over-priced) garments and luxury vehicles meant losing the people I love and care for, I would sooner live in a straw hut with the crazy family than an empty mansion by myself.


That doesn't mean I'll stop striving to be a better violinist though. =D




It's amazing how one person can completely change the way you look at things...


Not that I'm complaining. 


I just hope you know that I'm actually quite relieved that you managed to change my mind about the "issue".


<3

Thursday, 14 January 2010

I Wish...

I wish I could be selfish enough to tell you that I need you around. I really was going to take away yet another few hours of your time and impose on your privacy but...

Remember I promised you that you'd get loadsa space and "alone" time? Well, I realised that I haven't been giving you that promised "time", and you're tired enough as it is. You don't need me there, relating everything that's on my mind, which (most of) doesn't concern you.

Looking back at the past few days, I haven't been fair to you at all. Admittedly things have been really shitty for me, but I also made things shitty for you by being in a shitty mood all week.

I'm not in a bad mood anymore, but I really wish you were with me. Your presence itself is a reassurance. I somehow manage NOT to think about anything depressing when you're uttering the randomest things on earth, or even when you just talk to me. It really takes my mind off things... But that's just me being selfish.

Having said all that, I think it's only fair that I leave you alone for a night, because I'd rather suffer in silence tonight rather than have you think of me as a nuisance for the rest of my life...

I'm sorry.


Why did I take such a long time to realise that I was being a bitch?

Remember the post I did about regrets? How regrets can make a person feel SO bad he/she feels like dying? And how, just by thinking about what you did, can drive you up the "freakin' Great Wall of China"?

Well, *points to self* exhibit A.

-_-'


Hearing your voice just now, I nearly cried again, realising how much it must have sucked to have to deal with me for the past few days. I know saying anything now won't make much of a difference, and you probably don't want me around as often as you used to anymore, but I'll try my best not to be like that ever again. 

Seeing that you were still online after the call, I was tempted... SO tempted to ask what were you doing still online and not resting like you ought to. I had to remind myself : space, time, privacy...

I really REALLY hate feeling like this.

Helpless.


*goes off to a small corner to choke back tears*

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Fed-Up

I just took a cold shower, thinking that maybe I'd feel better...


Guess what? Now I feel doubly worse.

Thank YOU (the one upstairs) for ruining my day. I was feeling pretty happy with myself, having done all my homework and had a satisfying practice session, before you just HAD to pour cold water all over my head and now I feel like shit.

What if we can't find anyone, or if everyone's taken?


I'm choking back tears as I'm typing this. The bad news from home did NOT help.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Tell Me, Will You Be My Road to Paradise?

Regrets, we all have them. Whether it's something we did, or did not do, regrets are a part of life. As quote from a Facebook status update I read not 2 days ago, 'life is so difficult, no one comes out of it alive'. I gave the phrase some thought, and discovered that, no one comes out of life without having regretted one thing or another, either.


“We suffer from one of two things. Either the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. Discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.”
-Jim Rohn-

If you had a mirror that only reflected what you used to be, would you want to look into it?

Regrets suck. They drive you up the freakin' Great Wall of China when you think about them. The most annoying thing about regrets is that, no matter how much you think about it, there's absolutely NOTHING you can do to salvage it.

Nothing.

Unless of course, you're a freakin' Hermione with a Time Turner.

Yes, you guessed right. I'm (yet again) sitting in my little room in PGP with nothing to do apart from listening to music, blog hopping and silent pondering.

Oh, and dreading the coming semester, which is due to begin in... 

13 hours. O_O

There are, so many things I regret doing/not doing. It's alarming how one can look back, and nearly get a heart attack from the sheer amount of things that could have been done to make one's life a little more bearable. Then I came to realise that...

Regrets are the past, crippling you in the present.

Whether you like it or not, unpleasant things/events leave scars somewhere permanently etched into our memory banks. The more we tell ourselves to forget it, the more it haunts us. And irritatingly enough, they affect our future decisions/reactions/responses to situations similar to those unpleasant memories. I'm not only referring to work and/or embarrassing moments. This applies to relationships/stress/family-related-problems/pressure-handling... and the list goes on.

In short, we become PARANOID.

When a girl gets her heart broken, she gets paranoid and starts to think that her future relationships are bound to also end in tears.

When you lose a loved one due to an illness, and another loved one is going through the similar symptoms...

When you missed the bus on Monday morning because the BUS CAME AND LEFT EARLY, you subsequently get to the bus stop 1 hour before it's due to arrive.

O_O

But sometim - wait - MOST of the time, unpleasant memories are blessings in disguise. It teaches you to be more careful, more cautious when a familiar path comes your way, and you know what you should/should not do this time around. Sure, there's a danger of you being TOO careful, but hey, better safe than sorry right?

You wouldn't wanna regret it a second time, now would you?


I'm just hoping, praying that this will not be another unpleasant memory permanently etched into my memory banks.

For the last time, I'm gonna trust myself, and give it another go. Because I don't want to look back and think : wait, maybe I should have...

Friday, 8 January 2010

Pushing Through Thick and Thin

"I cried after the phone call confirming my place and scholarship in the conservatory. Tears of joy though, in the midst of a lot of laughter. =)


Call me crazy but yeah... I was really that happy."

This was from a blog entry I did a day after I got accepted into YST. The link : here

From now on, I shall remind myself of how much it took for me to get where I am now, how much was sacrificed in the process, how much effort and money my mom put into pushing me and encouraging me and how much my family supports me, every time I feel like giving up.

I'm NOT giving in.

*glares*

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Just Because

I haven't got anything to right now (apart from waiting for my laundry) and I was blog hopping and reading my past blog entries, as well as a few other friends' old blog entries, and realised that... A lot of them are about expectations. May it be grade expectations, musical audition expectations, earning expectations, relationship-related expectations... Life is always filled with expectations.


Let me share with you a little something I found on a random blogsite I stumbled upon.


"Way back in school, a new teacher walked into our class one day. He was replacing a teacher on leave, just for a day. What a funny chap he was. I do not remember his face or name, I must have been 10 or 12 years then. What I remember is a co-ol thing that he did. His smile caught the attention of most st-udents, including back-ben-chers like me. He wore a long, white robe of a Christian missionary, and pointed to the hu-ge white wall at the back with a small dirt mark somewhere in the middle and asked the class, ‘What do you see there?’

All the students raised their hands. It was easy. He chose one of the front benchers, a neat looking kid, who pr-omptly pointed out the black spot, a little to the left of the centre. The man smiled and pointed at a few other bright kids in succession, with each one proudly identifying the little dot on the huge wall.
He spoke again, with the smile still fl-ashing, ‘Does anyone notice anything el-se?’ We turned to the wall again. I could find nothing, though I so badly wanted to be a cut above the others. But there was nothing. He walked up to the wall, to-uched it with his hand and walked from one end to the other saying, ‘
Is this not a lovely, white wall?’ We smiled, as he continued, ‘…and all we can point out is a little spec of dirt?’"


The writer of this short, inspiring story is a psychiatrist, film-maker and traveller.


We are all taught to expect things in a certain way. In this case, the wall was expected to be perfectly white. That isn’t too big a problem. But, aren’t we like that big white wall, too, with a spec or two within? We are expected to be spic and span in a certain way. If we go even slightly offtrack, the ‘dirt’ is pointed out.


Many a time we feel the urge to jump into a happy gig but control ourselves thinking we are not at the right place. Those in relationships often go through feelings of unparalleled anger or sadness, for they expect their partner to do certain things in a certain way, not realising that the partner still loves us and often does much more in his/her own way. Parents sulk over their children’s decision to marry or opt for a career against their wishes, rather than being happy in the child’s happiness.


We constantly expect things to happen in a certain way. And when they don’t, we feel we have failed.
‘The best things in life are unexpected — because there are no expectations’, said poet Eli Khamarov. If we look deeper into ourselves, we will discover a heap of unhappiness lying right within in the name of ‘expectations’.
That little lecture by that un-padrelike, smiling padre was something that I really enjoyed, and went:
oh yeah, why didn't I think about it that way? No one notices little accomplishments, but when you make a little slip, BAM! everyone's talking about it. And then you wonder : why does one bad thing seem to erase a hundred other good things? 


The continuation of the teacher's lecture : 


Live for happiness, not for what the world expects from you,” he said. “…and happiness only multiplies by sharing.” Then he burst into a nursery song, “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands…” The class giggled and laughed, for we thought we were beyond nursery. But soon we found ourselves singing along. His happiness was infectious and he shared it with us, expecting nothing in return. And we gave it all to him, by flowing along in that river of happiness that lasted barely about 40 minutes before the next teacher walked in.


If not-expecting things make us happier people, then why on earth do we all still fill our lives with expectations?


A part of me argues that, with no expectations, how do you go about achieving your goal if you don't know what the end result it? (expecting where you'll be at the end of your hardwork) 


This is something I have yet to come to a conclusion about, just sitting here in my little room in PGP waiting for clean laundry, wondering if "expectations" are mandatory... things, in a person's life, because if it weren't for my parents and relative's "expectations" of me, I (most probably) would not be here in Singapore, after months of hard-core practicing...


If only life were like a straight road, we wouldn't have to worry about every single thing that comes our way : the junctions that plague our minds, the blurry road trails that scare us, the mist-covered highways that confuse us...


But then again, if life WERE like a straight road...


No fun, right?



Someone please, just shoot me.